Friday, August 22, 2008

Well, I have always wanted a Ferrari

Today boys and girls we are going to talk about cars. Yes that is right, cars...on a knitting blog. I like cars, and would possibly venture to say I know more than your average gal. I like nice cars, expensive cars, performance cars. When I think high-end performance though, a few names come to mind. One of those is Ferrari. OOhhhh to own one......sleek, sexy, the utmost in performance....

Let's talk a bit about the different models offered. Oh let's just pick one, say the F355 perhaps. Manufactured in the mid-to late nineties, it is a sight to behold. A 3.5 liter, V8 powered coupe, rear wheel drive, red, sexy, amazing. Wait. What did you say? My specs are wrong?! How could that be?! I used to make a living in the automotive industry, don't tell me I got it wrong?! You say I did? Well then you tell me about the Ferrari F355.

What is that you say? The specs are Garter Stitch, size 17 needles, 12 miles of heavy weight yarn in tomato? Huh? That sounds like a knitting project pattern. What does that have to do with a Ferrari? Ohhhh...WTF?! See below....

So apparently a 22 year old college student from England decided to knit herself a Ferrari as a class project. I would like to know what sort of college class calls for a GIANT life-sized car made entirely out of yarn?! The video failed to mention her grade for this crafted creation on four knit wheels. I mean come on, it is either a big fat "F" for the pointlessness of it all or an "A" because the professor felt sorry for the poor gal wasting 10 months of her time on THIS. The video also failed to mention whether or not it is machine washable.

Now if any of you out there decide you want to knit yourself a car, I'd just like to give one bit of advice. Go knit yourself a Prius for goodness sake! Think of the environment!

Knitted Ferrari

Knitting and cars...two of my interests...but I never considered combining the two. Perhaps I'll go knit myself some tire cosies.

Many thanks to Chris and J. for finding today's treasure.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Is it the Chinese New Year already?

Well folks, we have ourselves another knit dress. Just when I thought the last one was a sight to behold, check this one out. And what a steal! Purchasing the pattern will only cost you $7 and your dignity!

I think my favorite part is the wording in the ad for the pattern. It boasts:

first of all, if you have a little tummy to hide, no one will ever know it. It’s not so full that you’re going to have to worry about the wind blowing it up and yet the waist is high enough that no one will guess at our waist-line. So who cares if you had a scandalous affair with a hot fudge Sunday last week. puh-leeze!

Of course! Not a soul is going to notice your waistline, or your cleavage, or your legs, or anyone with you! They will be too busy staring at the puffy dress that I can't help but think reminds me of those Chinese lantern thingies. You know the ones. And trust me, if you made this dress and are wearing it, the last thing you should be worried about is that hot fudge sundae you ate last week!!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The C U Next Tuesday Bag

I was going to knit one that said "bearded clam", but it was too many letters:

I actually really like this bag. It is a very nice pattern, easy to follow, not hard to knit. The pattern can be found on Ravelry Pattern for those of you interested in your very own cunt bag.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Cold Bananas? I Can Help!

Do your bananas complain of cold? Do they get chilly at night sitting on your cold marble counter? Never fear! I can help with a tiny little knit sweater for your fruit!

Oh and no need to worry if the apples get jealous, you can knit them their own cosy, too!

The pattern boasts:

These cosies should help your fruit survive the knocks and bumps of the journey to work. They won't protect them from a good squashing, but they might soak up the mess if that does happen. The twin title comes from sets of twins I know: like the apple and banana, they are very different.

Now granted, I have been told I am different, but never once, not once have I damaged any fruit to the point that I have found myself contemplating buying it a sweater. (or padding of any kind for that matter) A plain old paper bag works just fine for me. It does, I promise. And just a side note here on the twins, I have a twin sister. I am short and round much like the apple, and my sister, well tall and thin and blonde like the banana. And speaking as the fat one, also known as the apple, please don't knit a round object to dress a FAT piece of fruit and think of me while naming it. It does not flatter me in the least.

With all of that being said, I actually think the banana cosy is cute! Pointless...but cute.

Nothing Says Sexy Like Unnecessary Fat Rolls

I had hoped to continue this blog as a way to vent my frustrations about those patterns and pattern creators that get me teased as a fellow knitter, but I might have to end it with today's entry. I don't know that I'll ever be able to top this. Please have a look at the "Oh La La....Sexy Dress".

I had an entire post typed out, but as the saying goes, a picture is worth 1,000 words. Please note the fat roll on the not fat at all woman, the formal length mitts, the slit that is oh so high, and the wig, making the entire ensemble of the "woven" variety.

Click the photo to enlarge:

Monday, August 11, 2008

1985 called. They want their ties back!

Well first it started with Katie Holmes with her tight rolled jeans and her 80's hairdo, but folks brace yourselves, I think the 80's are coming back in style. At least if a few knitters and their Knit Ties have a say.

A few others to ponder:

My favorite, the Fuzzy Tie:

I am speechless, even trees are wearing knit ties:

It's a What?!

It's a penguin! Yes that is right, that scary little creature you see above you is supposed to be a penguin. OK, OK, so the bottom half I will give you. That looks like a penguin, but what in the world is that green thing devouring it's head? All I can think is that the penguin somehow migrated to a warm tropical beach town where it was attacked by a jelly fish.

I think penguins are cute, I really do, I might even considering giving a stuffed (or knitted for the sake of argument) penguin toy to a child, but I am sorry, that thing in the photo would give ME nightmares.

Where is his head? Is that supposed to be a hat? Where are his eyes or beak? Why did you decide to put a cthulha on it's head?

Let's Crochet a Fungus!

Not only is this Mushroom Diorama hideously ugly, but to make this thing you must first pay $4.00 to download the pattern!! On a good note, you can reuse those old pickle jars you have laying around.

Sorry if I offended any Smurfs fans out there.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Quick! Someone knit this lady a cover up!

Now who says to themselves "I just can't find that perfect evening dress that clings to my fat rolls just perfectly...I think I'll knit one!" Double points for the side-boob clevage.

Whatever you do, don't pull any loose strings! And did anyone else notice this woman is not wearing any underwear and carrying some sort of walking stick?