Why Would You Knit That?!

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T10:53:00.000-07:00

It's Yoda!

2008-10-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

The look on his face says it all!

OK, I got a few emails wanting the pattern for this hat. This isn't the same hat, but it's close. You must have a ravelry.com login to view, but here you go: Felted Baby Yoda Hat

For the Discriminating Male with the Halloween Fetish

2008-10-02T05:04:00.000-07:00

It's finally getting close to Halloween! Time for ghosts, goblins, ugly sweaters, pumpkins, and candy corn paisties! I will try my best to feature as many creative (possibly bizarre) halloween knits as possible this month. Some might be good, some might be weird, some might beg the question "why would you knit that?," I'll let you be the judge. Enjoy!

Candy Corn paisties:

Spider Web Brassiere:

photos and patterns by: bohoknitterchic

Both patterns available free on Ravelry.

Pregnancy Brings Oddities

2008-10-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

Those darned pregnancy hormones make us gals do some strange things. Today's post is from a tipster who has asked to remain anonymous. She knitted herself a placenta while she was preggers.

Thank you anonymous tipster for your submission. I have to say the color choices were right on! Good job!

This is What Happens When A Biologist Learns to Knit

2008-09-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

Introducing Mr. Knitted Lab Rat and Mr. Knitted Frog:
(I call them "Mr." because I don't see obvious signs of knitted ovaries or a uterus, duh)

Patterns available on etsy.

Edited to add:
These patterns are also available on Ravelry: Lab Rat,and the Frog.

Photos courtesy of CraftyHedgehog

Let's Talk Digestion

2008-09-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

Or if you are an I Can Has Cheezburger fan and perfer to think the cat, in fact, did get the cheeseburger:

Poop photos compliments of agmr and Pocket Farmer via flickr. You must check out Pocket Farmer's knitted poop, and the letter from her nephew requesting said item. It is too cute! The poop knitters are getting a free pass on the question "why would you knit that?" I mean come on, sometimes shit just happens.

Caution: May Cause Retinal Bleeding

2008-09-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

Cue Thriller theme music...NOW:

Now before you go and accuse me of pulling these out of an old knitting book from the 80's, I have to say: these were recently added to the net as patterns. RECENTLY. Now I have to admit that my hair resembled a few of the models (think bangs hitting the ceiling fan blades), and I owned a totally bitchin' pink sweater complete with poofy sleeves and really thick shoulder pads, but those retired with my denim mini-skirt and my bottle of Aqua Net hairspray. The return of bell-bottoms was bad enough (oh sorry, "flared" jeans as they are now called) but I can't handle the return of the 80's, my eyesight is damaged enough from pong!

All photos compliments of DROPS designs.

Wearable Lapghan?

2008-09-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen a really ugly afghan and thought to yourself: that would make an awesome skirt? Well, someone did.

Because they ROCK! That's Why.

2008-09-23T06:33:00.000-07:00

Do people even say "that rocks" anymore? Well if they don't then they should, because these crocheted Boobie Potholders rock. My only question is does the nipple hinder their flexibility? Don't you hate when your boobies get in the way? I sure do.

Technically, these are crocheted, but I don't discriminate.

That looks like a price tag in the top photo. These are from the same creator as the crochet vagina tissue cozy. If anyone knows if she has an online store, please email me. I will gladly link to her.

Scary Knitting

2008-09-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

Compliments of TFC1 on YouTube. Who knew you could knit blood!

Just Say No!

2008-09-19T09:38:00.001-07:00

With the holiday's approaching: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...I would like to take this opportunity to address holiday sweaters. There is only one time it is appropriate to wear a brightly colored, bulky, multicolored ugly sweater, and that is when and only when you are dressing up as Bill Cosby for halloween. And really, past the late 80's who does that anyway? I don't care what the lady on Quacker Factory tells you, Halloween sweaters are never a good idea. Never.

Fun Fur

2008-09-18T09:39:00.000-07:00

You know why it is called fun fur? Because people will MAKE FUN of you, that's why!

It Comes in Kids Sizes, too!

2008-09-17T19:39:00.002-07:00

When you buy yourself that Coat of Many Colors, don't forget the kids!

I Think I Found Her Daughter!

2008-09-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

The daughter of the C U Next Tuesday bag creator that is. I have to say folks, up until today I have said everything with humor, but this time I think I am actually offended. I mean, I get the humor of the vajayjay tissue box I featured in a previous post, and the Willie Warmers so many are fond of. (I for one am not a fan of the willie warmers, they just give me a visual I don't care to think about) But today's entry, I think it missed the mark in humor, and making a statement. Is it just me? Hey, at least she's a crafty one though!

For those of you unable to read it clearly, the hat reads "Crafty Cunt". Well "Crafty - Cunt", she seemed adamant about the importance of the dash.

Come On Down!

2008-09-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

Rod, what do you have for us today? Why that would be the Totally Tubular Tube Top, Bob. The person with the guess closest to the actual retail price of this item wins the pattern for this top, a copy of the Merriam Webster dictionary so they can learn that "tubular tube" is redundant, and a large paper sack complete with two eyes holes to accessorize their new prize.

Now for those of you that haven't turned on their TV set in the daytime oh say since 1956...

and have no idea why I am talking in The Price is Right speak, this video is for you:

This pattern will only cost you $2.50, not sure how much a new pair of pasties to prevent chafing will run you nowadays though...or maybe you should just knit yourself a pair of those, too. May I suggest Caron Simply Soft.

My Tribute to Cake Wrecks

2008-09-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

As a fan of the Cake Wrecks blog, I'd like to give a little shout out with my own version of a cake disaster. Sort of makes you thart to get a ttthenthation uv ttthomettthing on your tttthuung, doesn't it?

Please allow me to present (drum roll please) Knitted Wedding Cakes!

Awesomely Funny and Adding Labels

2008-09-07T18:30:00.001-07:00

As you may or may not have noticed (who am I kidding, why would you notice) I haven't been using labels for my blog entries. It is tough to come up with a list of possible labels with so few posts, but today, inspired by my latest entry, I am going to finally add labels. I'm sure the list will grow with time, but here is what we have for now:

General Offenders:

Could be worse, but still begs the question: "Why would you knit that?"

Honorable Mention:

Somewhat pointless, not hideous, could even be the most adorable thing ever, but still not worth the time and effort to knit/crochet, etc.

Avert Your Eyes:

Look away people, these are the crème de la crème, the bread and butter, certain to make your scratch your head, and possibly your eyes.

Freaking Awesome

Just too damn funny/cool to fall into any other category.

.....which brings me to today's entry:

No your eyes aren't playing tricks on you...it is a Vagina tissue cover.

Is This What Dolly Parton Was Talking About?

2008-09-07T10:31:00.001-07:00

We all know the song, don't lie, no matter how young (or old) you are, you have heard it at least once in your life. You know the one, about the coat of many colors her mother (she probably said "mama") made for her? She was so proud of it when she headed off to school, only to be teased by the other kids. Well Dolly, honey, if yours looked anything like this I might know why that happened:

And being the cheap little smartass that I am, you know I like to comment on how much this lovely pattern will cost you, typically followed by the phrase "and your dignity". Today's feature is no different: That would be $12.50 and your dignity please.

I would also like to add a little note on today's post and say "thank you" for all of the nice comments and emails I have received because of this blog. Of course it goes without saying that this blog was created all in fun, and to be honest, even when I tease I am still impressed (no matter how hideous) at the things people are able to create with some yarn and a needle or two. I am glad to see that I am not taken too seriously (at least no hate mail yet), and some of you guys are seriously funny!

Meet Francois

2008-09-03T15:13:00.000-07:00

OK, this little fella isn't being featured because I think he is stupid or pointless or anything, but simply because, for some odd reason, he makes me hungry. Yes my vegan followers, you can shoot me now.

Here is the pattern for those of you wanting a little crustacean of your own.

Why?

2008-09-03T15:03:00.001-07:00

I hate power cords. I really do. And I hate very few things. Sure they keep things working and all, but c'mon. I trip on my laptop power cord at least once a day and always at night. I get them tangled around my feet sitting at my desk, I trip over them at work. I have too many of them behind my nightstand. Get your mind out of the gutter, I am talking lamp, alarm clock, phone charger, and bluetooth charger. I hate powercords. I hate weird knitted things, and I am amused that someone is trying to sell this pattern on etsy for $5.00!! The pattern maker claims this is a pattern for anyone wanting to have a little fun and use up a one skein-er. They also claim they have been selling these on etsy for a while. What? I think I could come up with a more creative way to kill myself. Like knitting myself a pretty scarf to hang myself with instead of a power cord. Is it just me? The only thing I can think of that I hate more than random power cords is a rash, a terrible, unsightly, itchy rash. Maybe I could knit myself one of those.

And to think I complain about paying $5.00 to download a sweater pattern.

Random Flickr Oddities

2008-09-02T12:22:00.000-07:00

I'd like to point out that EVERYTHING in this photo is knitted, including the chair frame. If you took all of the time used to knit this knitted garden, and did something like, I don't know, volunteer at a humane society, nursing home, or children's hospital, someone could have made a REAL difference.
This is a knitted devil doll. Nightmares anyone?
Mmmmmm, tasty:

For You Trekkies Out There

2008-09-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

Mmmmmm, Breakfast.

2008-09-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

In the mood for some bacon and eggs you say?

This is a bag. Not sure what kind, it just says "bag".

Best part is, you have to BUY all of these patterns!! Yes that is right, you must pay to knit your very own fried goodness!

Well, I have always wanted a Ferrari

2008-08-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

Today boys and girls we are going to talk about cars. Yes that is right, cars...on a knitting blog. I like cars, and would possibly venture to say I know more than your average gal. I like nice cars, expensive cars, performance cars. When I think high-end performance though, a few names come to mind. One of those is Ferrari. OOhhhh to own one......sleek, sexy, the utmost in performance....

Let's talk a bit about the different models offered. Oh let's just pick one, say the F355 perhaps. Manufactured in the mid-to late nineties, it is a sight to behold. A 3.5 liter, V8 powered coupe, rear wheel drive, red, sexy, amazing. Wait. What did you say? My specs are wrong?! How could that be?! I used to make a living in the automotive industry, don't tell me I got it wrong?! You say I did? Well then you tell me about the Ferrari F355.

What is that you say? The specs are Garter Stitch, size 17 needles, 12 miles of heavy weight yarn in tomato? Huh? That sounds like a knitting project pattern. What does that have to do with a Ferrari? Ohhhh...WTF?! See below....

So apparently a 22 year old college student from England decided to knit herself a Ferrari as a class project. I would like to know what sort of college class calls for a GIANT life-sized car made entirely out of yarn?! The video failed to mention her grade for this crafted creation on four knit wheels. I mean come on, it is either a big fat "F" for the pointlessness of it all or an "A" because the professor felt sorry for the poor gal wasting 10 months of her time on THIS. The video also failed to mention whether or not it is machine washable.

Now if any of you out there decide you want to knit yourself a car, I'd just like to give one bit of advice. Go knit yourself a Prius for goodness sake! Think of the environment!

Video:
Knitted Ferrari

Knitting and cars...two of my interests...but I never considered combining the two. Perhaps I'll go knit myself some tire cosies.

Many thanks to Chris and J. for finding today's treasure.

Is it the Chinese New Year already?

2008-08-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

Well folks, we have ourselves another knit dress. Just when I thought the last one was a sight to behold, check this one out. And what a steal! Purchasing the pattern will only cost you $7 and your dignity!

I think my favorite part is the wording in the ad for the pattern. It boasts:

first of all, if you have a little tummy to hide, no one will ever know it. It’s not so full that you’re going to have to worry about the wind blowing it up and yet the waist is high enough that no one will guess at our waist-line. So who cares if you had a scandalous affair with a hot fudge Sunday last week. puh-leeze!

Of course! Not a soul is going to notice your waistline, or your cleavage, or your legs, or anyone with you! They will be too busy staring at the puffy dress that I can't help but think reminds me of those Chinese lantern thingies. You know the ones. And trust me, if you made this dress and are wearing it, the last thing you should be worried about is that hot fudge sundae you ate last week!!

The C U Next Tuesday Bag

2008-08-14T17:27:00.001-07:00

I was going to knit one that said "bearded clam", but it was too many letters:

I actually really like this bag. It is a very nice pattern, easy to follow, not hard to knit. The pattern can be found on Ravelry Pattern for those of you interested in your very own cunt bag.

Cold Bananas? I Can Help!

2008-08-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

Do your bananas complain of cold? Do they get chilly at night sitting on your cold marble counter? Never fear! I can help with a tiny little knit sweater for your fruit!

Oh and no need to worry if the apples get jealous, you can knit them their own cosy, too!

The pattern boasts:

These cosies should help your fruit survive the knocks and bumps of the journey to work. They won't protect them from a good squashing, but they might soak up the mess if that does happen. The twin title comes from sets of twins I know: like the apple and banana, they are very different.

Now granted, I have been told I am different, but never once, not once have I damaged any fruit to the point that I have found myself contemplating buying it a sweater. (or padding of any kind for that matter) A plain old paper bag works just fine for me. It does, I promise. And just a side note here on the twins, I have a twin sister. I am short and round much like the apple, and my sister, well tall and thin and blonde like the banana. And speaking as the fat one, also known as the apple, please don't knit a round object to dress a FAT piece of fruit and think of me while naming it. It does not flatter me in the least.

With all of that being said, I actually think the banana cosy is cute! Pointless...but cute.

Nothing Says Sexy Like Unnecessary Fat Rolls

2008-08-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

I had hoped to continue this blog as a way to vent my frustrations about those patterns and pattern creators that get me teased as a fellow knitter, but I might have to end it with today's entry. I don't know that I'll ever be able to top this. Please have a look at the "Oh La La....Sexy Dress".

I had an entire post typed out, but as the saying goes, a picture is worth 1,000 words. Please note the fat roll on the not fat at all woman, the formal length mitts, the slit that is oh so high, and the wig, making the entire ensemble of the "woven" variety.

Click the photo to enlarge:

1985 called. They want their ties back!

2008-08-11T16:50:00.001-07:00

Well first it started with Katie Holmes with her tight rolled jeans and her 80's hairdo, but folks brace yourselves, I think the 80's are coming back in style. At least if a few knitters and their Knit Ties have a say.

A few others to ponder:

My favorite, the Fuzzy Tie:

I am speechless, even trees are wearing knit ties:

It's a What?!

2008-08-11T15:01:00.001-07:00

It's a penguin! Yes that is right, that scary little creature you see above you is supposed to be a penguin. OK, OK, so the bottom half I will give you. That looks like a penguin, but what in the world is that green thing devouring it's head? All I can think is that the penguin somehow migrated to a warm tropical beach town where it was attacked by a jelly fish.

I think penguins are cute, I really do, I might even considering giving a stuffed (or knitted for the sake of argument) penguin toy to a child, but I am sorry, that thing in the photo would give ME nightmares.

Where is his head? Is that supposed to be a hat? Where are his eyes or beak? Why did you decide to put a cthulha on it's head?

Let's Crochet a Fungus!

2008-08-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

Not only is this Mushroom Diorama hideously ugly, but to make this thing you must first pay $4.00 to download the pattern!! On a good note, you can reuse those old pickle jars you have laying around.

Sorry if I offended any Smurfs fans out there.

Quick! Someone knit this lady a cover up!

2008-08-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

Now who says to themselves "I just can't find that perfect evening dress that clings to my fat rolls just perfectly...I think I'll knit one!" Double points for the side-boob clevage.

Whatever you do, don't pull any loose strings! And did anyone else notice this woman is not wearing any underwear and carrying some sort of walking stick?